A Random Blog on Kindness

Every day on my dog walk I pass some old houses that appear to be part of a small gated community. On one of the houses, which dates back over 100 years, you can see three words written on the exterior of the property. Three words I’ve adopted as a personal motto.

“Be kind quickly” 

One would think that being kind should come as naturally as waking up in the morning. However, the fact there’s hashtags, books and tacky fridge magnets encouraging us to “be kind” shows it certainly doesn’t come naturally to some people. You don’t get books telling you to wash before you go to work as [most] people know that’s the done thing. 

For some people the simple act of being kind and empathic takes a lot of effort. As a lyric on the new Manic Street Preachers album says; “It’s so easy to hate, it takes guts to be kind” which intentionally paraphrases a song by The Smiths.

Believe it or not I have one or two friends I’ve not uttered a word to since my parents' passing, almost a year ago. Not because I dislike them or because I’m as stubborn as Luna when she refuses to go out in the rain… I simply woke up to the fact there’s no real point. What would I say? “It’s safe to come out now,” or “I know you ignored me for an eon, and always left my messages unread for two weeks but how you doing?”

1. They have no interest in my life and wouldn’t care.

2. They wouldn’t respond anyway. 

Maybe I’m just becoming more Morrissey as I grow older. “Why do I give valuable time to people who don’t care if I live or die?”

I noticed this strange form of “social distancing” as soon as I announced my dad had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s just before Christmas, 2023. Although the majority of people were amazing, one or two people became notably “distant” – one more than the other. Not once during that initial three month period before my parents’ deaths did they ask if I was ok or offer help, or even even ask how my parents were doing. 

On the flip side, I had distant friends and people I’ve not heard from in years pop out of the woodwork [not literally, that would be terrifying].

As mentioned in my previous blog, some people just don’t have the capacity to send kind words if they don’t mean them – and that’s fair enough. Others really struggle with being around people who are suffering. I recently rewatched an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm [for the 90th time] when Larry David told his wife that if she ever got sick he’d walk out on the relationship. He generally recoils at sick people. 

It goes without saying that no words, no cards, and no acts of kindness will ever make it “ok” or bring my parents back, but it does say a lot about one’s character. 

The last year has really highlighted just how fleeting our lives are in this world. I have very vivid memories of being a child and playing with my Star Wars toys on Kessingland beach. Yet I’m suddenly 15 years away from drawing my pension, having sold several of my Star Wars toys to pay the bills over the intervening years. I’m sure time accelerates as we grow older and that’s really brought to the fore when we start losing loved ones. 

Grief, debt, health concerns, car repairs, work stress, and clearing your parents’ house are all parts of adulting that I’ve experienced in recent times. And when you’re trying to juggle all those things with the everyday, menial [but essential] things like paying the rent or council tax you’re not going to be the best version of yourself. Yet, despite any challenges I may have faced over the years I’m acutely aware that I live a very privileged life. 

One of the last things my dad said to me, as he lay in his hospital bed with no memory of being married for 50 years, was; “You work hard all your life and suddenly it’s all gone” and I now think about this on a daily basis. 

What am I doing with my life? How can I spend my time more wisely, and who should I spend that time with?

In recent years I’ve made a point of distancing myself from moaners, liars and gossips, and I no longer confide in people about anything. Although I may turn to a family member should the occasion arise. 

Some time ago I confided in a friend about my financial situation. Let’s call them “A” for the purposes of this example. So, only a dozen letters away from being a James Bond Character. 

“A” later leaked everything to Ms B, who felt the need to tell Ms C. D, E, F and bloody G. It’s sheer coincidence that I’ve named her Ms B, and nothing to do with the fact she was flying around like a toxic bee spreading gossip (as opposed to pollen). 

The problem was that Ms B only had half the story, so Ms C had an even more distorted version of events. 

It’s like when you make a photocopy of a photocopy. [Do people still even use photocopiers?] At some point it’s going to be completely illegible so people start filling in the blanks. By the time Madame Z  hears about it she’s like “So, David gambled away £2m, his friend loaned him the money... he couldn't repay it so she wrote it off... and he later fled the country with his dog?”

I also had a circle of trust with a group of people relating to a former property and one of the people within that circle leaked information – thus the circle of trust was broken. 

Only last year someone even posted something on Facebook saying I’d moved to Harlow, weeks before I’d even made a final decision. It’s not earth shattering, I just get antsy about people spreading misinformation and hearsay about things that aren’t actually true. 

Alongside half baked truths I’ve had people moan about my dog, my car, too many dog photos on Facebook, the state of my garden, making a mistake at work, talking about money on Facebook, talking about mental health on Facebook… the list goes on. None of this is paranoia or speculation on my part, it’s people coming to me and saying “X was moaning about you today” and over time you learn to grow a very thick skin.

I once worked for a company where a manager moaned about the minions on a daily basis. I’m not talking about the little yellow things with funny voices, I’m talking about the underlings in the company (including myself). Except they were moaning about minion A to minion B – and moaning about minion B to minion A. All minions talk to each other, and things spread like warm butter in the workplace. 

Yet this isn’t all about me. I’ve had people tell me things about other people. Things that are none of my concern. I just don’t get the concept of moaning about someone or things that are out of your control. 

I’m not saying which neighbour, but one of my neighbours over the last 10 years was moaning to another neighbour about my dog barking when left home alone. “Oh, it just came up in conversation y’know” and I replied “Yes, I know,” rolling my eyes.

I immediately knocked on my neighbour’s door and said “I hear my dog has been barking a lot?” 

There was no anger or animosity, I simply apologised for any disturbance and was more mindful of the times I left Luna home alone. Not just for my neighbour’s benefit, but also for Luna’s benefit. I don’t want to upset my neighbours, but most importantly I don’t want my dog being distressed. 

How long were they going to moan to other people when they could immediately resolve the situation by moaning to me? Weeks, months, years? Sooner or later they would have despised me for not trying to do something about something I knew nothing about. 

I appreciate it’s difficult. These days you can complain to a neighbour and they’re telling you to f*** off while brandishing a shank. Except we’d always been amicable neighbours who chatted, so it was a shame it didn’t just “come up in conversation” with me. 

Sometimes things do just genuinely “come up in conversation” which is why I now make a point of not sharing information with one person if I wouldn’t share it on social media. 

Going forward my own personal mission is to be kind every day. Also, before I repeat anything to anyone I ask myself - "Would I say this if the person I'm talking about was in the room?" Also, "Does this benefit the person?" and "Is this kind?"

Having said that, it's pretty easy for me to be kind every day. I'm a social hermit who works from home with my pooch. I appreciate it's a lot harder when you're working with the general public...